What would you do if you weren't afraid? 

For most of my life I've avoided competition, I didn't play sport because I didn't believe I was good enough to. I was so afraid I would make a fool of myself, be laughed at and let everyone down (including myself) that I just didn't take part. I told myself I didn't like it. It was easier than face failure and shame. I exited before I ever had a chance to fail. I told myself I wasn't competitive so it didn't matter.

Except, it did.

Later in life, this continued, I wouldn't put myself forward for things I knew I might struggle with. Or if I did take on a new challenge, I'd work so relentless hard and drive myself onwards mercilessly to make sure I wouldn't fail. I took jobs that weren't right for me, stayed in situations I should have walked away from. Yes it likely ensured I was very highly successful at what I did do, but at what cost? Burn-out, achievement devoid of joy and a deep seated fear that others might find out I wasn't good enough in the end. I used to tell myself "failure is not an option" . I thought it made me sound determined and strong. Now I feel sad to understand I used to beat myself up with that phrase I'd read somewhere once. I had no peace.

I have battled with imposter syndrome for most of my life. Its exhausting trying to maintain an air of "I've got this, Im top of my game" all the while living under the shadow of self-doubt and fear.

Through alot of deep work and soul searching in the last few years I've begun to peel back the layers, to understand where it all stems from. Gaining insight has shone a light in the dark and helped release me from much of this fear of failure (its a practice by the way, an ongoing work in progress) 

I've launched things that have flopped and had so many ideas that have never taken off. Ive misjudged situations. I have been wrong. I've forgotten things I was meant to do! I've overcommitted and had to recorrect.

I am human.  

I have my own permission to try and to learn. To have more fun exploring than if I say "nah that's not for me", because I am afraid of failing. 

Last week my fabulous friends asked me to join them for Quest Killarney in October. A 25km event of trail running, cycling and kayaking. Though I'd always wanted to try an adventure event, I said no thank you very much! No, I didn't like running or cycling and worse still I couldn't do either well. It'll be too hard. I'll be shite, I'll hold them back, I am too unfit. I don't have time, it's expensive, I don't have a bike or a backpack or the right trainers. I don't like road bikes and everyone says I’d have to use one. What if I get injured? I'll hold you all back. Do ye want to try make a particular time, because I know I won't be able? 

My fear talking. 

I hear it whispering to me - "you're not good enough, don't do it". 

To paraphrase incredible Dee Keogh from her inspiring show at the Ballybunion Arts Festival 2022 - when you're facing something big and it scares you and that fear is causing you to hid away and procrastinate, take a deep breath, count down from 5,4,3,2,1 and just do it! 

I slowly inhaled to the pit of my tummy and declared FUCK YOU fear! Bruce and I began our training 3 days ago when I said yes to Quest. 

I might hate it, but I might not. I might not finish, but I might. But I'm going to try, because I am more reluctant to miss out on this experience for myself, in the company of great friends, than I am afraid of failing anymore. 

Yes it will be hard, yes it's going to take effort, of course there will be days I want to give up. And no I won't win. But I will be okay, because I will have shown up and faced my fear, because I've missed out on enough already. Does this mean from this day forth, I shall be fearless and believe wholeheartedly in myself? Who knows?! I’m looking forward to exploring this theme more in Slow & Seasonal this Autumn too.

So what would you do if you weren't afraid? What would you say yes to? Would you quit your job? Or take a career break? Or follow your dream? Fall in love? Ask for a payrise? Say no? Set boundaries? Take that trip? Slow down? Put your needs first? Join that course? Say I’m sorry? Ask for help? Forgive someone, maybe yourself? Speak out? Admit how you feel? Wear what you want? Leave? Stay? Believe in yourself?

I'll leave the last words to Marianne Williamson...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?"

What would you do if you weren't afraid?